ARCHIVED INTERVIEWS. No.41: NEWCASTLE

Gary Lineker travelled north to Newcastle to interview Matt Birch on the season so far and the current controversy hovering over both him and the club. Gary "Hi Matt, and can I say it is an absolute honour to be in your presence." Matt "Hi Gary, thanks." Gary "I suppose we should first get the unpleasant talk out of the way. How do you feel about the way the press and the public have treated you over the last week?" Matt "I have had a lot of support, both from the players and the staff here at Newcastle. Becky has been a rock at my side and has helped me through it all too. Most of the fans have been great although there have been some less pleasant moments with Mackem fans painting Tranny on the side of my house and car and accusing Becky of being a lezza for being with me. I think the worst of it has passed now though and I've even had opposition players and managers offering their support. "As for the press, I have had page 3 offers from the Sun, Star and Sport but dignity has seen me refuse to be tempted by the multi million pound offers." Gary "Erm... actually Matt, by unpleasantness I was talking about the suspension crisis at the club, but seeing as you brought it up, you mind if I...." Matt "Don't even go there Gary." Gary "Sorry. So you have had Finnan sacked and a transfer delayed by the FA. How are you going to cope in tonights game with Spurs?" Matt "Obviously we've had to include all our reserves in the squad tonight just to fill the minimum squad size of 16 to avoid being fined by the FA. It has thrown a spanner in the game plan, but hopefully the lads will take their chance well. With three 9 rated players and an 8 rated player all playing a part, plus having to field two keepers on the bench makes Spurs the big favorites. It is going to be a great test of character out there and I expect it to be a dirty game" Gary "2nd place in the league and you topped your cup group. This must be a dream season for you though?" Matt "It is still early days. Our next league game is against Arsenal and we need to be lucky with yellow cards to have a full squad to face them. One advantage we have is that our 4 new signings will all get a taste of them tonight when they face them in their last game for Man City. Hopefully they can gain some insight ahead of this vital league game." Gary "You always said a top 4 finish was the aim for the season, plus a good cup run. With a top 4 spot secured, what are the ambitions now?" Matt "Well, realistically the cup should be lost tonight. I am hopeful for the league, but rule out the championship. However I think with a little luck, we could land 2nd place although I'd still be very happy with 3rd. Should we end up 4th, I think we will have thrown it away in the last few games of the season as the run-in's of the top 4 teams lends up to a 3rd place finish for us." Gary "Thanks a lot Matt, it's been a delight" Matt "It was my pleasure..... come on, lets go down the pub and I'll get you a pint and a packet of crisps"

ARCHIVED INTERVIEWS. No.42: MAN CITY

SkySports caught up with Manchester City manager J-P Thompson and just about restrained themselves from lynching him for being French and managed to ask him a few questions through gritted teeth. SS: So, ‘you surrender cheese-monkey’, sorry I mean J-P, how are things at le Citee? Hehe, *ahem*, bloody frog, *ahem*. JPT: errr… great for the most part, you xenophobic hack. Obviously losing on penalties to Arsenal brought the club down to earth after an amazing cup group, which saw us undefeated in nine matches. Still, overall we showed ourselves well against one of the top teams, but it wasn’t to be. I was disappointed by several of my players, not just in the Arsenal game but in recent weeks. I’ve taken Weaver, Ferguson and Karlsson aside and tried to work through why their performances have flagged of late. I’ve assured them they are the future of this club and hopefully they’ll respond with performances that merit such a mantle. I’ve been trying to lift the spirits of the players in training this week to focus on the league. I’ve found a few notes on my trusty Accordion gets a few smiles, joke! SS: Tres drole. It’s been a busy time for transfers at City, rumour has it you tried to veto the last transfer, ribbit… JPT: Anymore of your unfunny comments about me being French and I’ll beat you over the head with my beret! SS: Sorry, please, the transfer front, Ortega and Kewell both leaving inside a week. JPT: Well you have to take several factors into consideration. I’ve felt that since we sold The Goat to Newcastle, the team has been lacking up some fire-power upfront and the I felt the squad had become unbalanced. I think Massimo Maccarone has done a fantastic job since he’s come here, he’s fitted in really well with the rest of the llads and his performances on the pitch have been of a very good quality. We have, however, lacked a partner for him, as I see Kewell more of a midfielder. Kewell and Ortega are both special players and I was reluctant to see them go, but it’s for the best interests of the club. In Hughes, Basturk, Enrique and Donovan, I’ve brought in proven quality and once the fans see them play, they’ll be convinced I’ve made the right choice in changing the personnel here. It was the right time to do it as well, with the new league structure taking place and in the short-term gaining new impetus in keeping up with Sunderland and Sheffield Wednesday, errr…. What are you doing with that noose? SS: Oh nothing. Last question before we string you up How do you view the title run in? JPT: Don’t you be stringing me up now. I can run away at any moment don’t forget. The title race is going to be very tight. It will probably be like that until the last minute of the season has been played out. I don’t want to say too much about it, as I’ve been making my players focus on each game and each point as they come. Both Rohan and Joe have built up great squads and I expect it to be a very exciting end to the season. Thanks, anything else? SS: No, thank you and… GET HIM BOYS!!!!

ARCHIVED INTERVIEWS. No.43: NOTTS FOREST

KO - 1 point need to qualify for the playoffs with 2 games to play, can you make it? AP - Well, we play Barnsley this week who are our biggest threat and really I'd like to beat them, they have been hot on our heels but fell away on Saturday after being beaten by Ipswich. I'd like to win it for the fans but it wont be easy, they are a good side who have had some brilliant results both at home and on the road but I think they wont make the playoffs even if they beat us. KO - You have been voted manager of the month for March, how does that make you feel? AP - Well obviously very proud but it's the lads who have won it for me, they have been brilliant in the last 5 games to push us up into the thick of things. KO - Indeed, it's a far cry from February when you were ready to quit management. AP - Yes, at the time we weren't playing to well and results were hard to come by, the morale was really low and I came very close to leaving. I have to thank all the managers who stood by me, Sean McKeown at Coventry especially. KO - I must ask you about Simon Francis, he's currently on loan at Ipswich, how is he getting on? AP - Well he is getting regular games there and has come on in leaps and bounds, he has hardly put a foot wrong there and Ipswich have chalked up a few good wins recently with him in the side. KO - You seem to have a lot of faith in the younger players, why is that? AP - To tell you the truth I'm not sure myself but they have shown to me that they have a hunger to succeed, the attitude they have towards the game is also first class and I can't ask anymore from them. KO - T_Hitzlesperger arrived last week from Fulham, how is the lad settling in? AP - He's finding it a bit difficult but that's only natural, he's still only young so we'll look after him as best we can. KO - Are you looking forward to the Barnsley game? AP - Of course, it's a massive game for both teams and it will certainly be very tense but if we stick to our game plan and play quality football I believe we can get a result. KO - You have Nicky (Montgomery) suspended for the last 2 games, how big a blow is that? AP - A huge blow, he has been brilliant lately but I'm sure Christain (Bassedas) will play out of his skin for a place in the first team because he has found himself shut out lately. KO - Okay, thank you very much Adam, may I wish you the best of luck should you qualify for the playoffs. AP - Cheers fella.

ARCHIVED INTERVIEWS. No.44: NEWCASTLE

BBC Sport's Gary Lineker returned to Newcastle to visit newly crowned Premiership Champions Newcastle United to interview boss Matt Birch : GL "Hi Matt, congratulations, you must be over the moon" MB "Absolutely, this is a dream come true. My aim was for a top 4 finish this season and a good cup run so to reach the semi's of the cup and win the league is just amazing." GL "Obviously your team has performed brilliantly all season, but who have won the player of the season awards?" MB "Well we have made a large number of transfers this season and of those who are no longer here, Hughes, Andy Hinchcliffe and Rafael had particularly impressed. They are sorely missed but they were sold for the good of the team. But there have been many, many more vital contributions this season. Wayne Bridge has been solid since he arrived, but the young player of the year is Robert Green. Greeny hasn't played all that many first team games, but he has had to come in for Hedman for some vital games and has really kept us in the hunt. He has kept a number of clean sheets and has been an inspiration to the rest of the younger players showing exactly how to grab a chance in the first team. The overall player of the season was another close one, with so many outstanding players to chose from. Cannavaro has been exceptional in the short time he has been here, as have Ariel, Gilberto and the Goat. Hamann has really come of age over the past two months. Kieron Dyer has been great all season and Aldair has really belied his age, but the clear player of the season has been Paul Devlin. He's been with me since the start of my managerial career and was inspirational in Sheffield Uniteds Championship last season and he has made the step up to the Prem look very easy. He's played every game for us this season and has stepped in to play in defence, midfield and attack. Other managers have rated him at 2-10 million pounds, but he is an irreplaceable player and I would not accept less than 30 million pounds for him." GL "Two seasons, two teams, two championships. To what do you attribute your fenomenal success?" MB "Two simple things. Firstly I always have a proper transfer plan. I know exactly which areas of my team need strengthening and I am realistic enough the realise that I need to make sacrifices in order to reach my goals. So many managers simply aim for the big guns and have teams totally out of balance or they buy well ahead of their means and then have to make drastic cuts, ending up worse than they were before. The second big factor is in keeping good relations with other managers. If I know who I want to buy, then I go in with fair offers and often give the other team a much better deal in order to land a player of Newcastle calibre. A lot of managers come in with silly offers and that just annoys other managers. Newcastle has really benefited from being more than fair and we have a really good relationship with JP at Man City, Joe and Wednesday and Richard at Bradford. I think you can see that the odd sacrifice has really helped out all those parties, whilst other teams are struggling because nobody likes trading with them." GL "There has been speculation in the press that you are about to leave Newcastle United in order to take up a new challenge. Is there any truth in this?" MB "Offers have come my way. I guess that will always happen when a manager has a little success. I don't feel that my job here is complete yet. Obviously it is very tempting for me to take over a Division 2 team for next season as it really would be a challenge to try and turn around the flagging fortunes of the likes of Ipswich, Wolves, Coventry, Bradford or Rotherham etc. I really feel that I could do a good job at one of those clubs, but I have one season left on my Newcastle contract and I shall see that out before making any decision on my future. The job has just begun really for the Toon." GL "Finally, the big shake-up for next season is going to have a big impact on clubs prospective fortunes. Do you see yourselves as favourites for next season?" MB "Most definitely not. Man Utd and Liverpool will still be streets ahead in the betting, with Chelsea pretty close (if they avoid relegation). Newcastle will be in the middle of a pack of 4 or 5 teams fairly equal. Arsenal, Spurs and Fulham all have squads that are arguably as strong if not stronger than ours, whilst Wimbledon will be big dangers after really spending the whole of this season consolidating their Premiership status whilst playing to get a big advantage for next season. Their play may not have pleased all managers this season, but it sure has been effective. We'll be aiming for a top half finish next season but don't be expecting any more from us." GL "Cheers Matt, and good luck for next season" MB "Thanks Gary"

ARCHIVED INTERVIEWS. No.45: ARSENAL

On the eve of the "biggest match of the season" sits Gunners gaffer Gabe Frail having a smoke, the picture of tranquillity and nervous energy, paradoxically wrapped into an expression that resembles constipation as he peppers off answers to his fellow spin doctor manager Alex Ferguson. AF: You received a fair bit of criticism of late regarding your quoted feelings regarding Chelsea manager Paul Rice's tactics down the stretch. what do you make of that? GF: Well if I've learned one thing in my life it's that the mutterings of idiots and morons is most often ignored by anyone who is not an idiot or moron himself, hence spin only works on the dull and slow-witted. The truth is what gets attention, it's not about being popular, it's about being frank and honest. Honesty is often unpopular, especially when it flies in the face of well-planned farce. Chelsea through the last few games of the League season to ensure a fully fit 16 for the Cup Final. They have not denied this and I was in fact an advisor on the issue to Paul regarding player suspension time and injury myself, that was before his intentions were clear.... AF: But you had your suspicions I take it? GF: Well it's easy to make that claim in what can be easily called hindsight by anyone who asks me that now, but what other purpose could that line of questioning have had? I suspected Paul would sit a few key players, which I just cannot allow for my own lads, but I see the strategy. AF: So why is it you take such issue with Chelsea's stretch run if you understand the strategy? GF: Well, I said I understood sitting a few key players, top striker, mid, defenders, possibly keeper at most. Instead the Blues took the pitch for their final league ties with a side that a half-pissed pub team could have pounded. Now maybe all the Chelsea star were at their sports psychologists or were out buying new Jaguars, that I can't say. I do know that they were available and didn't play, and were this real football rather than a game based on numbers and a computer program then I would expect the entire Chelsea starting XI to be extremely rusty rather than crisp. As this is not real football, this kind of managerial behaviour is cowardly. I'm not the Kick Off commissioner, I don't decide whether that is acceptable. I just speak my opinion because others won't. The fact that I have a personal stake in this, as well as being possibly less popular than you Alex, is what has drawn the criticism. AF: You don't feel that I'm popular? Look at all the press I get! GF: Oh yes, I see it, I make sure I line the floor with it when you come to visit so you don't track that bull shit in that you are always flinging around. AF: Aye, but you would know bullshit... GF: Yes I would. I'll not deny that I am full of it. However I feel I am one of the best managers, if not the best, in this game. See, I don't have an endless supply of superstars that we can pluck from other sides creating a monopoly of football talent. I have to win on strategy and cunning, not sending out the best players from most every nation in Europe and South America. Except there Diego Forlan, what's that about? AF: I overspent and was forced to sign a player and sack a towel boy. Diego was the perfect man for both jobs. GF: Ah, finally I have some use for Jeffers, that's a great idea! AF: Okay, I'll not let you distract me from my task. GF: Not even with the TV camera and microphone over here? Or how about this 10-pound note I have in my wallet. AF: Bastard! GF: What is it you were saying? AF: Huh? What? GF: Exactly! AF: Look, you can muck about with this discussion or have your say. What's all this about you resigning? GF: Well, I do prefer to muck about, which is all this is. If the diluted few believe for one minute that I'll let the mindless chatter force me from the game, they are beyond naive as it is this stupidity that fuels my desire to pummel other teams. You see it goes down like this. There are about 6 teams that have the talent to win in this league, maybe 6 managers that are capable. Only 3 of those teams that can win have managers that can get them to win. So when faced with a schedule full of the 20 other teams that are crap or have a crap manager, I have to give myself some other reason for staying with it and keeping my lads sharp for those games. Ronaldinho still thinks that Matt Birch is the bloke who poured a pitcher of beer on his head and ruined his perm. Truth is it was me, but look at how motivated he's been this season. AF: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you.... GF: This isn't real, put your cheque book away. AF: Fine, so tomorrow's match, big game for your lads? GF: In so far as they are only one of two teams that have progressed through to this point of a competition, yes. The main pressure I've put on my lads is to win for the principle of proving that teams that try 110% in every match are the real winners. A win for Chelsea only validates and popularises what Chelsea did to get themselves in perfect condition for this match, lose by means of playing scrubs, intentionally. This is small time stuff but corruption and misdoings almost always start small. What's to keep a few managers from agreeing to throw all there best players onto one team to get them trophies, titles or promotions only to return the favour the following season. It's the fact that this could be the tip of the iceberg mate. AF: Now you're being paranoid. GF: Something you would know well. AF: Why the angst? GF: Because if a Cup Final is to be held in the regard that the Chelsea manager and others insist that it should be, then it should be a battle of worthy combatants that have travelled like roads to this end game. Chelsea took that lustre away from this match, so while I'll be happy to accept the trophy and the winnings, for me the season is done. The lads are well wound up about this gay football that Chelsea is trying to pull off however, even if they lose I expect they will punish Chelsea. It should be entertaining. My only regret is that I don't have Roy Keane to send on the pitch. AF: Would love to help you mate but he's got another paternity hearing to sort through tomorrow. GF: No worries, I'll just have Eddie Pope play that American style of "soccer" and forego his limited skill for the MLS standard mugging. AF: Does anyone like you? GF: Does it matter? I mean, no one likes you and apart from being uglier than 80 year-old scrotum you seem to do alright. AF: I have supporters! GF: Alter boys and your minions of brain-washed players not withstanding? AF: This conversation is over! GF: Ave Maria, Alex! hehe Frail takes his time to relax as Diego Forlan and David Beckham work off their detentions with Fergie by shovelling the bullshit that has reached staggering levels during this interview. Official spread on the Cup final from a source close to Frail, Chelsea 2-1 Arsenal, "injustice is served!"